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  • Monique Abraham HHP

The Hero syndrome!

Updated: Feb 21

I tried to fix you and now there is nothing left!! What next?

How can you save someone who doesn’t want to be saved?

You don’t. You learn to love them where they are, and encourage them to get the help they need!


Are you now the damsel in distress? Did you give all of your energy, time, resources, love and effort until there was nothing left for you? Whats your why? Let’s talk intention!

“The Rescuer not only depends on her role to give her a sense of self… In other words she needs the Rescuer role just as much, probably more, than the rescued needs rescuing,” ~Andrea Mathews~ So ask yourself while you have good intentions, your heart is in the right place but you must ask yourself why would a person love so much and so hard that they can no longer find traces of themselves or have enough left over for them. Has the toxic person and situation given you a sense of purpose and self worth and without it your incomplete, and lost. Does a part of you need to feel like you are saving someone because you need to be saved? I spent years of my life as a self proclaimed hero with a great heart but with the wrong fuel. I wanted to be there for people not just because I love people but a portion of the brokenness I felt in my past wanting a savior, wanting my knight in shining armor to come rescue me, wanting that father figure and close relationships but know one was there to help me. I was broken, and when I helped my first person and I saw them feel better it became a drug to me I was fulfilled by helping others, but not in the way that it was healthy. My own safety, personal feelings and well being went out the door all because I was trying to fill a void I could not naturally heal. All of my relationships were one sided with me being everything to them and them being nothing to me which was the beginning of a cycle of filtered out people that drain me until there was nothing left and it was on to the next person. I never gave up even a portion of validation was good enough for me. In fact 2 evictions, failed marriage, church hurt, miscarriage and bad credit was not enough! Sure I got better over the years, wiser, mature but there is a certain validation you feel by helping others that makes you overlook toxic situations. It was not until April 25th almost nine years ago,my life fully changed and I got the “Epiphany”. I remember saying “Even If I don‘t matter he does”, my son even out of wedlock was my miracle baby. I could no longer exhaust my finances because he needed them, I could not run around until there was no time for me because he needed me at my best! Toxic people are not hard to identify but here are a few signs....

You dread (or fear) being around them. You're exhausted or you feel angry while you're with them or after your interaction. You feel bad or ashamed about yourself. You're stuck in a cycle of trying to rescue, fix or care for them.


Signs of the hero syndrome....

But first lets be clear, Healthy people like to help people but they don’t need to be needed there’s the difference!

Hero Complex Warning Signs

1. Over eager to help

Standing idly by as they hear about the troubles of others may be just too much for these kinds of people. They only need to hear about an inconvenience and they are up offering their couch, their wad of money or their time. They need not be asked for a favor. They make it a point to volunteer without hesitation. And while this may be a good thing in some ways, a problem can occur when the energy of enabling begins. 2.Emotionally attached

When the wee hours of the morning come, these people should be sleeping. But instead they may be up pondering solutions to the problems at hand. Problems that don't even belong to them.

3.Little External Support

These people are heroes. When it's lost, they find it. When it's hungry, they feed it. Everyone knows who they have to count on to get the job done.

4.the fixer upper relationship

Ever look at two people and wonder what the heck they're doing together in a relationship? If you've ever done this, it's probably because one of them is so lost and limited, while the other is growing on their path in leaps and bounds. People with hero complexes will often put themselves in low vibrating relationships due to the belief that they can fix or change the other person enough to get them to be where they need to be. Or they may be so in love with a person out of sympathy, that they want to expend all their energy trying to get their mate to grow past their circumstances of suffering. You will rarely find these people in relationships of equality.

How to break free from the hero syndrome!

  1. #1.. Recognize your not the healer, your an addition meaning you can help but your not fully responsible for another’s person healing.

2. It takes two, you can want, pray , whine and spend your last dime but only when a person acknowledges and wishes to pursue a change, that it will take place.

3. Don‘t take it personal, you are good enough, ”No” there is nothing you could have done better”, yes you tried your best but often we stay to water seeds that were only meant to be planted, while someone else helps them grow.

4. You can’t pour from an empty cup, too many times I have seen people get drained beyond recognition and then the one they tried so hard to please leaves them. Why? Because there is nothing left to give and the person they fell in love with no longer exists just a shallow shell of what once was. Sound familiar? In closing only God can change the heart of men/women, helping others is great just make sure you have enough of you left over for yourself and those who care for you. Need a little help in the right direction? I can help you make peace with the broken pieces schedule your Holistic session today @ https://www.glimlove.me/book-online


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Jeremiah 29:11 King James Version (KJV). For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

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